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Elle Macpherson is speaking candidly about her past addiction to alcohol.
In her new book Life, Lessons & Learning to Trust Yourself, released Tuesday, Nov. 19, the 60-year-old Australian supermodel detailed how her life looked perfect from the outside, and that very few knew of her inner struggles.
"My life looked amazing to everybody. On the outside I was doing a beautiful job but, deep down inside, I was really struggling," she wrote, per Page Six.
In 2003, Macpherson gave birth to her son Cy with then-partner, French financier Arpad "Arki" Busson. They also share another son, Flynn, whom they welcomed in 1998.
After Cy was born, Macpherson was gifted a bottle of champagne. Her naturopaths advised her against indulging in the bubbly drink soon after birth, as her hormones would "be all over the place." Despite the warning, she said, "All I could think about was that bottle of champagne in the ice bucket" while holding her newborn in her arms.
Macpherson experienced anxiety due to Flynn's frequent hospital visits and Arki's frequent travels.
"In the evenings, after I put him to bed, I'd find myself relaxing with a vodka," she wrote, detailing a revelation made in an AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) meeting.
Macpherson considered going to rehab following the 2000 Olympics in Sydney when she was supposed to take part in the closing ceremony but she "drunk enough champagne or vodka to calm my nerves that it had disoriented me."
Arki also discouraged Macpherson from going to rehab, she writes. "I think he was afraid. He didn't want me to be away from him and I think he was also afraid of change."
As Macpherson puts it, she was in a "horrible downward spiral" trying to balance her relationship, motherhood, and work.
During an AA meeting, Macpherson said she had several blackouts from constantly drinking at home after putting her children to sleep.
"I would sit down by myself and have shots of vodka and then I'd write to-do lists and letters to my family," she wrote."I would do the housework, listen to music until around 11 p.m., then go to bed and pass out. I would get up in the morning, run six miles and have a coffee for breakfast," she writes of an AA confession, adding. "I would stick my fingers down my throat and make sure I vomited three times before I went to sleep. It was always three times."
Macpherson reached her breaking point when she tried opening a bottle of vodka and smashed the glass top off. "I hurriedly poured myself a shot that could have been littered with shards of glass. And I drank it," she later recalled in AA. "I remember thinking, I love this feeling. I'd missed it, sooooo much."
In addition to discussing her relationship with alcohol, Macpherson also detailed her breast cancer diagnosis and her decision to forego chemotherapy treatment for breast cancer.
"Every day I actively, deliberately feed my wellness and nurture myself," she writes in her book. "Cancer is not an option for me anymore. Like drinking is not an answer for me."
Elle: Lessons & Learning to Trust Yourself is available for purchase now.
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