Bethany Joy Lenz has an emotional message to share with her parents.
The One Tree Hill alum, 43, has been vocal about her decade-long experience with a small, ultra Christian cult in recent weeks in tandem with the Oct. 22 release of her memoir, Dinner for Vampires: Life on a Cult TV Show. While she's opened up about almost every aspect of how controlled her life was during the years she was also starring on the hit WB series -- including a "sex schedule" -- there's one thing she's never said.
In PEOPLE's exclusive clip from Lenz's conversation with Tommy DiDario on the Oct. 29 episode of his podcast I've Never Said This Before, the actress admits, "I'm still scared of having vulnerable conversations with my parents."
Though it takes her a minute to think about what she's never said -- "I say all the bad words now," she jokes -- Lenz candidly admits that she's "scared of emotion," but that's something she's "working on" before she offers a vulnerable message to her parents.
"I don't know if I've ever just flat-out said to my parents, 'I'm sorry. For what I put you through in those ten years.' I think we've danced around versions of that but I don't think I've ever just flat-out said that," she says, referring to the time she spent in the cult.
Lenz gets teary-eyed as she continues, "Mom, Dad, I'm really sorry for what I put you through for those ten years. It's been a while out of it now but... Thank you for sticking by me and for your patience and grace."
After sharing, Lenz says she's "going to call" her parents to echo that sentiment directly to them.
She previously told PEOPLE that the transition after leaving the cult to adjusting to life without it was particularly different in relation to her family.
"It took some emotional moments and some time to just figure out what kind of relationship I wanted to have with [my parents] for the first time in adulthood because I just went from being a bratty teenager to isolation and being like, 'You're not even my family!'"
Her parents welcomed her with open arms, she said. "I was like, 'OK, now you are the only people I have in the world. Please don't abandon me.' They're like, 'Don't be ridiculous. We love you.' And it's turned out well. I love both my parents."
In a second exclusive clip from the podcast episode, Lenz also weighs in on the rumored feud between her and her former One Tree Hill costar Hilarie Burton. Lenz said on Call Her Daddy on Oct. 16 that she doesn't "have any problem with" Burton, 42, but that there "have been some bizarre misunderstandings that I really hope we can figure out one day."
On I've Never Said This Before, DiDario asks Lenz if any potential strife in the relationship would influence her involvement in the One Tree Hill reboot that Burton and Sophia Bush announced in August, and Lenz immediately shuts that idea down.
"It's so crazy to me, all of this. I love Hilarie, I have no ill will toward her. I have no... I would never want to go back to a One Tree Hill reboot with animosity," Lenz says. "Like that's just... That's not who either of us are."
Speculation began in the spring that there had been a falling out between the actresses as fans noticed they'd unfollowed each other on Instagram, and Burton later stepped away from her, Lenz and Bush's joint rewatch podcast, Drama Queens, though that was the result of her character's story on the show wrapping up.
"The irony of the fact that I am trying to tell people a story about what happens in group triangulation, when other people come in and they start taking somebody's words and taking another person's words and trying to create something that's not there, and gaslighting and all of these things," Lenz continues, referring to the stories she tells in her memoir.
"And everybody is like, 'We love your book. But also, can you please tell us what's happening with Hilarie?' I'm just like, 'This is crazy to me. Do you understand that you're doing exactly what I'm talking about? This triangulation is so not helpful.'"
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Dinner with Vampires: Life on a Cult TV Show (While also in an Actual Cult!) is on sale now wherever books are sold.
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